mermaid

When I was little, I would splash in the bath and pretend that I was a mermaid. That I was the only mermaid. I was a beautiful mermaid with hair that was brilliant and yellow, like spun gold and it swirled around my shoulders as I swam. Fanned out when I came to a sudden halt. I was the last mermaid on earth and I was lovely and well cared for and lonely. I imagined that the bottom of my white ceramic tub was actually glass. The glass through which the tourists would view me. I would hold my breath and sink to the bottom. Blowing bubbles in a tiny O in my lips... making patterns, sticking them to the glass. I imagined a man reaching up to the glass and tapping twice with his burly finger. Immediately my owner was there, to escort him out. As the sign says, sir, no tapping on the glass. I'm sorry, you'll have to leave now. There is a mild scuffle between the two. The man straightens the tuxedo jacket that he is wearing and flings his shoulders back, broad, in outrage. He'd paid the $500 admission fee only minutes earlier and now he was being locked out, forever banished, for tapping the glass.

The other guests in the grand aquarium hall suddenly stepped very delicately, careful not to come near the glass for fear of expulsion. They sipped their glittering champagne and nibbled tiny foods balanced on tiny crackers. The lady in the black sequined gown stepped forward and used her golden monacle to steal a closer look at me, the wonder that was me. But I was too sad to care. I would swim to the far side of the tank, where I would blow bubbles underwater for myself and dream of friendship.

reading in bed

"good night"

"good night, I'm going to read for a bit"

"ok, no problem"

I shifted around a bit and settled in with my book. I was so engaged in this novel, it was perpetually at my side for the past three days. Ryan rolls over, away from the bright light of my bedside lamp.

hee hee... hee hee hee hee...

"you ok?"

"yes, oh my gosh. Carrie Fisher cracks my ass, this is so funny"

"oh, ok. I thought maybe you were having a bookgasm"

so I says to Mable I says

Last night I pulled up to the front driveway of the hotel. Not the one that leads to the left and into the dimly lit parking structure, but the marble tiled driveway that leads to the grand front lobby. I drove my dingy old Civic right up to the curb, opened the door and stepped out. I went to the backseat, grabbed my purse and jacket and my event boxes and slammed the door shut.

One of the valet runners walked up to me, "Good evening. How can I help you?"

"Um... can you just park it?"

"Oh, uh... yeah. L-l-l-et me get you a claim ticket." He fumbled in his pocked, produced a perforated card with my claim number on it and stared at me blankly.

mix tape

I was driving around for quite a while and I finally got sick of the radio. Mortgage commercials and hip hop jams were grating my nerves, so I pushed the "CD/Tape" button and started the cassette that had been rattling in the stereo for weeks. It took a moment, then the hiss, and then my favorite song came on.

He had queued it up for me. Taken the time to rewind, fast-forward, rewind, fast-forward this crappy old mix tape to find the exact starting point for this particular song, and then left it there for me to find. Like a golden easter egg or a diamond ring floating in your champagne. Silently lingering, waiting for discovery.

I smiled for a minute, sang my tune out loud and then thought... how long has it been waiting like this? When was I supposed to have discovered this little treasure? Instead looking past it every day, walking by without noticing, like a chest of jewels buried deep under ground with no X to tell me where to search.

8 haikus about why i hate her now and why i still love you [10 years later]

parking lot and me.
flat tire. no answer. sunburn.
graduation day.

mall, shoes, and dresses.
left me here alone. again.
pain. hurt. anger. why me?

sea of gowns and caps.
diploma in hand. walk slow.
friend to enemy.

hard to avoid her.
turn the other cheek. smile now.
cameras and grins.

father and mother.
cousins. grandmother. and him.
he walks over slowly.

he reached out to me.
said, "i'm really proud of you."
breath of life returns.

when will i see him?
never again? maybe someday?
turn and go forward.

take the light and spark.
stoke the flame. ignite and glow.
thank you. gratitude.